Dear Questioner: Meat is Murder
Dear Questioner,
I’ve got a problem. I’m a decent, underpaid, hardworking coroner. It’s important that my family eat meat at least three times a week. But we just can’t afford to with the prices the way they are. So I bring home some choice cuts from my autopsy subjects. Just mix in the Tuna Helper:and ta-da!
The whole family thinks my new meals are delicious. They ask me what’s my secret. I think they’re getting suspicious. My smart-ass 8-year-old keeps asking, “Where’s all the meat come from? The red dye #2 kind that’s kept in the fridge.”
If they find out the truth I don’t think they’ll understand.
Questioner: what do I tell my family?
Wally
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Wally, if it’s a price issue, eat red meat only once a week, and buy organic. That way you’re getting the most out the money you spend. I would recommend more of a vegetarian diet anyway, unless you and your family are exercising regularly. Red meat clings to your insides and rots in your belly, which you will notice in the smell and consistency of your poop. Try expanding your options a little, legumes, and eggs are packed with protein. Chicken is less expensive and tastes great.
I don’t find what you’re doing to be immoral. Cultures throughout time have practiced cannibalism. The Yanomamö would burn their dead then mix the powder with some type of banana pulp before ingesting it. Although their reasoning was based more on spirituality: The Yanomamö believed that the souls of the dead would wander aimlessly unless consumed by their family. If you’re performing autopsies then I’m sure you’ve studied enough about the human body to know whether or not your family is eating rotten meat from a person who died of leprosy. Good luck with that.
What concerns me the most is your use of Tuna helper. Why not use real tuna? And why mix it with red meat? Why not have each in a separate meal to conserve food? It seems like you’re making poor recipe decisions all around.
Tell your pretend eight year old that the meat comes from the butcher. Or stop feeding him dead bodies.
I don’t know what else to tell you.
Q
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