Obligatory Introductory Paragraph

Some of you may remember that, up here in the Poultney village, we like to do a little thing called a Cook Off. It’s basically Iron Chef style rules, where there’s one main ingredient/kind-of-food and the rest is up to the chefs. We’ve been doing this thing for…jeez…three years, I guess. It started with a Soup Off, and since then, we’ve had a Pie Off, a Kabob Off, a Salsa Off, another Salsa Off, a Noodle Off, a Cocktail & Sandwich Off, a Loaf Off, a Maple Off, and this past weekend, we added the Burger Off.

Actual Introduction

Well, it’s official. Those of us participating in the Cook Offs are old. It was bound to happen at some point, but years from now, when we look back for that moment when we should’ve started looking for the Reaper, the Burger Off just may be it. Because the Burger Off marked the first time we had an entire new generation of human beings in attendance.

Which is to say the Burger Off had babies like whoa!

Some of you loyal Fluid Imagination readers may remember that two of my friends were busting-out pregnant at the Maple Off (a third friend was pregnant too, but she’s got some time yet). Here’s the picture to remind you:

That’s Lindsay on your left and Maureen on your right. About two and half weeks after the Maple Off, on the exact same day, both Lindsay and Maureen had their babies. Yep, the exact same day. And both of them had adorable little boys:

Again, Lindsay’s son, Colby, is on your right (Erin is the other proud mama) and Maureen’s son, Owen, is on your left (Brian is his proud papa). They’re both seven weeks old to the day (in this picture). Both of them were as good as could be for the Burger Off. No one was screaming or pooping out of control. Mostly they just slept, but when they were awake, they just sat there and looked all cute.

They weren’t the only two kids in attendance, either. My brother Shawn (the infamous Stumpy) came up with his family, which includes my sister-in-law Grace, my niece Shannon, and my nephew Finn. So along with newborns Colby and Owen, we had one-year-old Finn and four-year-old Shannon:

So there you go. We’re all old.

God damn it.

The Rules of the Game

Quoting Amber, the reigning Queen of the Offs, the rules of the Burger Off were as follows:

A burger shall be defined as a patty of your choice, hopefully grilled (spicy black bean, venison, flank steak, gound peaches, portabello mushrooms, ground turkey, etc.) hopefully topped with some neat ingredients (salsa, fresh greens, carmelized onions, handcrafted cheeses, sprouts, sauteed mushrooms, homemade ketchups or mustards) and hugged lovingly by two ’starches’ or ‘buns’ if you will. (pancakes, wholegrain homemade bread, puff pastry, focaccia bread). Other creative (even non-grilled) entries are encouraged.

As with all the Offs, the judges for the event could be anyone who didn’t have an entry in the competition. At the Burger Off, those judges were Pat, Grace, and Dawn:

Along with our three adult judges, all of whom would judge the competition based on the four categories of ethics, presentation, originality, and taste, we added an unofficial but crowd-pleasing fourth judge, who had her own category. The judge was Shannon and her category was Kid Friendly. Where the adults judged based on a scale of 0.0 - 5.0, Shannon’s technique would be a little more subtle:

On to the Entries

The first entry of the evening was Lindsay and Erin’s Curry Burger. This was delicious, mostly because the curry, while it wasn’t too strong, definitely let you know it was there. If you’ve got a taste for curry, then you might want to try throwing a little into your next burger, because this was great.

Overall, it scored a 3.7 on Ethics, a 2.8 on Presentation, a 4.0 on Originality, and a 4.0 on Taste. On the Kid Friendly meter, Shannon gave it a thumb’s up. Erin and Lindsay can thank Stumpy for giving his daughter a taste for the spicy stuff.

Next up was Heather and Steve’s Runza Burger. Apparently (and I’m sure Heather will correct me in the comments if I’m wrong), a Runza burger is a Nebraska delicacy of German descent. There’s even a chain of Runza restaurants, which describes its sandwiches as “a delicious blend of fresh ground beef, cabbage, onions and special spices all baked inside homemade bread.” Well, Heather and Steve are vegetarians, so they replaced the ground beef in the traditional Runza with (I think) soy beef.

Now, I don’t think it’s news to say that I’m a pretty dedicated meat-eater, but these Runza burgers were fantastic. And I wasn’t the only one to think so.

The judges got in on the act too. The Runza pulled in a 4.2 on Ethics, a 2.8 on Presentation, a 4.3 on Originality, and a 4.3 on Taste.

Brief Editorial

See, our judges don’t fool around. Look at those scores. Great across the board, except for Presentation. Same goes for Erin and Lindsay’s Curry Burger. Strong scores except for Presentation. Let that be a warning to any future competitors. How your meal looks is just as important as how it tastes.

Wait a second!, you say. Those Runza burgers look good, all stuffed inside that homemade pizza dough like a heavenly German calzone. Why’d they get busted on presentation? I wasn’t a judge, so I can’t answer for sure, but it might have been because Heather served them in the same pan she baked them in. Or maybe it was because when she presented them, she didn’t stand up to give her spiel:

Though if that’s the case, that’s a little ridiculous, because the woman’s like seven months pregnant! Give her a break!

End Brief Editorial

The next entry was Shawn’s Fajita Burger. I was there when he prepared these, so I have the inside scoop on some of his ingredients (maybe Stumpy will give you full instructions in the next edition of his StumpDay Recipe). Basically, you prepare a bunch of veggies like you would for a regular fajita. We’re talking peppers and onions and a Fajita spice packet. Then, when you prepare the beef, instead of making round burgers, you make four-inch-long footballs. Grill up the beef, top it with a blend of nacho cheeses, put it in a fajita wrap, drop on your veggies, spread out some salsa (and guacamole if you’ve got it, which he didn’t), close up the wrap, and voila!

These were pretty tasty too. Unfortunately for Stumpy, when you participate in the Poultney Cook Offs, Ethics is a serious, serious category. I mean, take a look back at Heather and Steve’s Ethics score: they got a 4.2, and I’m pretty sure that 99% of what was in the thing came from either their garden or the college’s garden, the “starches” were homemade, and the whole thing was vegetarian. For all that, they got–not a 5.0–but a 4.2!

And here Shawn comes with his ground-beef from Shaw’s, his spice-pack from Ortega, and his fajita wraps from who knows where. Sure, he got as ethical as he could, using salsa from Vermont’s Green Mountain Gringo and an onion from Poultney’s local farmer’s market, but when a person who’s ingredients came mostly from their own garden gets a 4.2, you gotta be honest with yourself and realize that if you bought anything from a chain grocery store, you’re gonna take a pretty big hit on your ethics.

And that’s something Shawn was very aware of, which is why, when it came time do his presentation, he wanted to keep his ethics hush-hush:

But you can’t fool our judges. His overall score was a 2.5 on Ethics, a 3.7 on Presentation, a 4.2 on Originality, and a 4.3 on Taste. If it’s any consolation, Shannon gave him a Thumb’s Up, but then again, she may be biased.

The next entry was Maureen’s Vegan Burger. These were intricate little masterpieces with a beautiful presentation:

I don’t remember the exact ingredients, but they’re served cold, on homemade buns, with ingredients from either the local co-op or the college garden. Again, being a dedicated meat-eater, I had low expectations, but these were surprisingly tasty. I’m not sure I’d ever get the urge to make them myself or order them in a restaurant, but if I walked into a pot-lock and these were on the table, I’d add a couple to my plate.

Shannon felt differently.

But she’s an unofficial judge, so her scores don’t count. The other judges gave Maureen a 4.5 on Ethics, a 4.8 on Presentation, a 4.7 on Originality, and a 3.8 on Taste. While Taste may not be in the stratosphere, those other scores are ones that Maureen can be quite proud of.

Next up was yours truly, with a variation of my standard Spicy Burger. Basically, this is a jalapeño burger, but since I was trying to compete in the Ethics category, instead of using jalapeños, I used a couple of cayenne peppers from our garden. I also added an onion from our local farmer’s market, and buns from a Burlington bakery. Unfortunately, I also used Angus beef from Shaw’s and Roasted Red Peppers jarred in Florida, so there’s no way I could win the Ethics category. But with Heather and Steve and Marueen as competitors, I never expect to win in Ethics. I simply try not to let it hurt me. And as Amber said during my presentation, at least I always know where my ingredients come from, even if it’s from a long-ways away.

Along with the above ingredients, I also threw in a bit of sliced garlic, about two teaspoons of Worcestershire sauce, and a handful of bread crumbs to make it a little less sticky. Presentation-wise, I sliced the burgers into quarters and served them on a bed of lettuce grown in the college’s garden.

While I was a little disappointed with my scores at the Maple Off, the judges were pretty accurate on describing my Spicy Burger. I got a 3.3 on Ethics, a 3.7 on Presentation, a 3.8 on Originality, and a 4.2 on Taste. Shannon, for her part, couldn’t have agreed with the judges more:

Things slowed down a little after that. The judges had eaten five burgers by this point, and everyone needed a little break before we could continue. I went inside to start cleaning up (I promised Dawn she wouldn’t have to clean a thing). Grace went upstairs to put Finn to bed. Mark and Eleanor showed up. Amber arrived to defend her crown (and began eating the past competitors’ entries to see what she was up against). And basically, everyone just hung out in the yard and enjoyed the early evening breeze.

Although, before I got motivated to start the cleaning, I sat in my chair, silently editing a chapter of my master’s thesis.

Shannon, of course, wanted to keep the party going, so she grabbed a bowl of blueberries that she’d picked earlier in the morning, and tried to pass them around. But with burgers in everyone’s belly, she ended up eating most of them herself.

When Grace returned from putting Finn to bed, the competition got back underway. The next entry was Eleanor’s Pizza Burger.

I was still inside doing dishes at this point, so I didn’t get to hear the presentation, but when I came outside to have a taste, man was I impressed. These were delicious. And as you might expect from something called a Pizza Burger, the Kid Friendly rating was an enthusiastic thumb’s up.

The judges liked it too. While they gave Eleanor’s efforts a 3.3 on both Ethics and Presentation, and a 4.2 on Originality, they gave her a chart-topping 4.5 on Taste.

Next up was Brian’s Downhome Burger (my name for it; he may want to correct me in the comments). This was a traditional hamburger. It had a nice balance of flavor and Brian cooked it to perfection. I don’t remember the specific ingredients (most of which were purchased at the co-op I think), but everything just tasted real good.

Going down the line, the judges gave him a 4.0 on Ethics, a 3.8 on Presentation, a 3.5 on Originality, and a 4.3 on Taste. A solid entry.

After Brian, we had our last competitor of the night, the reigning champion, Miss Amber Rowe. Amber began her presentation by reminding us of her definition of a Burger: “a patty of your choice, topped with some neat ingredients, and hugged lovingly by two ’starches’ or ‘buns’ if you will.” As you might imagine when someone begins with an introduction of the boundary, Amber’s entry pushed itself right up against it.

I’m going to get forget a few ingredients, but the gist of Amber’s Dessert Burger was that her patty was a slice of alcohol-soaked watermelon, topped with cream cheese, and “hugged lovingly” by two slices of homemade zucchini bread. She was a little excited about it.

Surprisingly, I didn’t think the alcohol-soaked watermelon was the best part of this burger. It was good, no doubt, but the zucchini bread was so moist and delicious that it blew away the watermelon. While Shannon got a kid-friendly version of the burger (i.e., no alcohol), she agreed that it was delicious.

Amber’s scores? A 3.4 on Ethics, a 4.2 on Presentation, a whopping 4.8 on Originality, and a 3.8 on Taste.

And The Winner Is…

Being as I’m the kind of dude who likes keeping track of things, all of the scores are compiled in Apple’s Excel-like program, Numbers. Each judge gets her own scorecard, then all the scores are averaged together to determine the winner. Here they are in each category:

• Ethics: Maureen, with a 4.5
• Presentation: Maureen, with a 4.8
• Originality: Amber, with a 4.8
• Taste: Eleanor, with a 4.5

But those are just category winners, and they don’t get anything but bragging rights. Because in the Poultney Cook Offs, there can be only one champion. It’s the champion who gets the vaunted Tiarra, and the champion who decides what the next Cook Off will be.

And when you put together all the categories and average them out to an overall score, the picture of the Burger Off looks like this:

And who owns that red bar that soars above the rest? Why, it’s Maureen and her tasty Vegan Burgers! (woo-hoo! yay! tweeet!)

All that’s left is the crowning ceremony. Sing it with me: “Here she is….your Miss Burger Off Queen…”

The Theme Of The Next Cook Off?

As mentioned above, the winner of the current Cook Off gets to choose the theme of the next Cook Off, but there’s a little caveat that gets thrown into the mix, and it comes into play here.

You see, there’s one Cook Off that is guaranteed to be held every year. It’s the Salsa Off, and it’s timed to coincide with Vermont’s tomato harvest, which comes near the end of August. Since that’s right about the time we’d be competing in Maureen’s chosen Cook Off, the theme she picks will be pushed back until after the Salsa Off.

Accepting that caveat, Maureen has decided that the next great Poultney Cook Off will be…

…

…

A PIE OFF!

This will be the second pie-off hosted here in Poultney. The first was three years ago, and I’m pretty sure the winner was Mr. Derek Anderson, who we haven’t seen in competition in almost two years. Except for us and Amber, it’s a whole new crew now. So to them, this is the first Pie Off they’ve seen.

If you’re in Poultney near the end of August, or sometime in the middle of the Fall, we’ll see you at the Salsa Off and/or the Pie Off.

And from everyone here at Fluid Imagination, congratulations Maureen!