The Men’s Locker Room at the Gym is Filthy
When I walked into the locker room at Evergreen fitness the other day, I was looking directly into the butt-hole of a fat man bending over. I think he was drying off his pale, gout-ridden feet. As my eyeballs bled I wondered if it would be the same experience to stare into the sun. His bulbous ass seemed to be blocking every available locker and all the fire escapes. I was trapped. Fortunately though, I managed to squeeze by his dangling testicles and find an open spot.
Only a week later, as I rounded the stalls, I was confronted with another fifty-something year old guy. He stood at the urinals with his shirt on and his shorts and underpants around his sneakers. He was talking out loud to some other bozo while peeing. I tried to spin around but it was too late. Way, way, too late. My jaw dropped open as he pulled a wad of gauze out of his saggy ass and placed it on the porcelain atop of the urinal. I was tempted to say, “Hey, buddy, put that back!” But I opted to keep my mouth shut out of fear of vomiting. I remember him throwing the bundle in the trash but I don’t remember if he washed his hands…humph.
It’s not like I’m scared of germs but I don’t sit on the locker room bench unless I’m clothed. Too many guys are smacking their dirty junk all over that seat, man. I’ll stand. And if any of my belongings fall on the floor, I’ll just take em home and burn em. You wanna know why? Cause the floor is covered in pubes. I think it’s a hard wood floor, but it looks like a rug because of all the short and curlies.
I’ll work out for over an hour in a mostly empty gym then come into the locker room and find like seven naked fifty year old guys just standing around talking. Where the fuck did they come from? Why do they look like they’ve never exercised in their life? What are they talking about? And why are they breathing heavy as they squeeze out of their sweat pants? Why do they look so pumped about showering? What’s going on around here?