Stop making me miss you guys.

Stupid.

Just to give you a little insight into the process…It was supposed to be a five page story (I didn’t put that at the top of the post because I didn’t want to scare anyone away with the length). I would like to have explored the relationship between the lamp and the woman some more, which is something David felt too, and I’d also like to have explored the details on how the boy came to be with them, but alas, five pages only.

Besides some pretty major structural changes (the breaking of the lamp isn’t supported very well; I mean, I explain the reason the lamp was broken, but if I had done right, I wouldn’t have had to explained it; it would just be there), I don’t think I would change much in this particular draft. I would have got rid of a single swear (the “old bitch” after he kicks her), come up with a better way to describe the arthritis than the token “flare” metaphor, and rewritten the “wind chime” analogy to find something more closely related to the other elements of the story (as it is, it’s a decent analogy because I think it captures the sound I wanted to describe, but I’d rather something that had more relative meaning).

Other than though, I’m pretty happy with the draft.

FYI: One person I live with came up with the object and the another with reason she killed the lamp. In my original draft, I finished the whole thing without knowing what the object was (plus the scene was in a totally different location and the old woman and lamp were torturing the boy with the unknown object — later, I realized that I was imagining a car antennae, hence its cameo in this version), and in the first version of this draft, I had the woman and the boy stuck in the clearing in the dark, him holding the condom and her trying to get it, but I didn’t know why. The story just kept going as they ran around and around in circles.

So thanks to my new friends up here for the help.

The swearing seemed a bit unecessary (as did the word pussy) - my guess is that it was for shock effect (I mean when you read little boy - age 7 or 8, you aren’t expecting swearing - at least I’m not) Nor for that matter, from previously known to be inanimate objects.

The lamp stood out as my favorite character and I think reminded me of the robot from Futurama (where the boy reminded me of the sort of wimpy guy)

Aren’t all 7 year old boys, by definition, kind of wimpy

and yes, its a condom…..(although I didn’t get it at first, but when I saw Dave’s comment, I re-read the description and realized how obviously it is a condom)

I

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i really liked the descriptions… - the burning battery line… - the fa fa fa… - the dangly balls… - the pussy and the car antennae… - the way the lamp smashed into the tree and a piece ricocheted and hit the boy…

i thought… - however… - even though the lamp was frig’n awesome… - it’s confusing as to why the lady would have scooped up that particular one to join her if it reminded her of the annoying chimes and all of that… - i think that you could have delved a little bit more into the relationship between the two… - like… - why she chose that particular lamp… - or… - maybe it followed her and snuck into her spacecraft or something and was just tagging along because it liked her shoes… - ?

overall… - i loved the story and i’m excited to read the next one… - keep’m come’n…

but as is, I liked it - the whole lamp thing made me think of Futurama for some reason…which isn’t a bad thing…