And I’d like to say a few words to mark the occasion.
When reading or watching a “feature” about a successful person (notably someone creative), I always anticipate the same moment, that moment in the arc of their life that represents “hitting bottom.” It often involves an incident related to drugs or alcohol, usually coupled with severe depression. But inevitably, the person (when looking back) will always recognize that moment as the critical moment. Almost as if they wouldn’t have been able to succeed without first experiencing this complete failure.
Is this a natural arc? Is it really important — critical, even — to experience what it feels like to lose everything before one is ready to take the risks necessary in life? Sometimes I buy into this concept and wonder what it would take for me to lose everything. And that only when there is nothing left to lose, that only then….will the most important decisions in life be made.
I probably spend more time than most thinking about those moments and what it feels like to have that kind of desperation. It’s not something I ever want to experience, but in a lot of ways, I wonder if I need that experience. I’m not sure that in the course of the comfortable life that I live, if I’ll ever be pressed hard enough to take the necessary risks in life. And that scares me.
TSOA is a journey — no, it’s a process — that helps me sort through the daily life-clutter in an effort to live the life of my dreams. I try to systematically check things off all the major milestones on the To-Do list of life. Optimistic? Maybe, but listen to this: Six years ago amidst a flurry of forgettable women, I was ready to find and fall in love with my soul mate. I was frustrated with the fleetingness and shallowness of three month relationships. I wanted to experience that perfect connection with someone else. Six years ago, TSOA helped me to focus on me. Only then, I figured, would I be capable of romantically investing myself into someone else. Let the record show that, five years ago, this actually (and amazingly) worked!
Now six years later, one engagement ring poorer, and an MBA richer, I’m kicking TSOA back into gear, looking for that same kind of focus, hoping for that same kind of success. I don’t think it’s going to be as easy as finding my fiancé Sarah (in fact, that search was incredibly easy, which, of course, is the beauty of it). What I’m looking for now is for those measly 40-60 hours that we all spend earning each week to mean something to me.
The crux. I want to be inspired at work.
Inspiration, to me, is like a drug. I don’t get runner’s high, but I get what I imagine is that same feeling when I’m working with people. No, it’s more when I’m talking with people — I guess I get conversation high. I love the back and forth, the engagement between two people passionately speaking about the same topic. I like to argue, debate, incite, and enrage. I’m one of the most pure instigators that you will ever find. I push buttons. It’s what I do.
I’ve had some of the most rewarding conversations in my life as a result of this - as well as some of the most ridiculous, friendship-threatening fights. I can only imagine that the rest of you feel a similar rush when in involved in whatever-gets-you-going.
My guess is that creation inspires all of us. Making something out of nothing. For lack of a better way to define myself, I am inspired by the creation of collaboration, whether it be in a simple conversation or in business. I am inspired by the exchange of ideas. I like to communicate. Someone once referred to me as The Great Communicator, and I’d be lying if that didn’t put a huge smile on my face.
This is how I ended up getting my MBA and turning towards business development. I needed to be creating something, and in lieu of having my own business, I had to settle for creating business for others. This job necessitates that I interact and get engaged with…others. I talk on the phone, send emails, and when things are really humming, I get to sit in meetings all day and brainstorm strategies. In a lot of ways, even I admit, that I’m close to where I want (need) to be.
So close, but yet so far. In the same way that I’m capable of arguing about things I could care less about (ask my fiancé), I certainly don’t get the same enjoyment. Like most, I crave the ability to deal with only that which inherently interests me. I am very good at selling software, but I’m not inspired by the product, and it can be a daily grind for me to feign the amount of interest necessary to sell it on a day-to-day schedule. As you can see, I still have my work cut for me.
My horoscope today:
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): An architect was once quoted as saying: “Play is what I do for a living; the work comes in organizing the results of the play.” Make this your guiding principle in the coming weeks, Scorpio. Ask the universe to give you lots of opportunities to mess around and improvise blithely and resurrect your playing-in-the-sandbox consciousness. Come up with good excuses to let your attention wander and explore previously off-limits fun and games. A few weeks from now, you can begin organizing all the good ideas that your frisky experiments will generate between now and then.
I know there are people out there who have found success by doing what they love. I intend to become one of those people. That is why I’m focusing on TSOA. This, in theory, will act as my ground zero.
Congratulations. I’m one step closer to hitting bottom.
16 Comments
Adam,
I respect the fact that you feel like you’re close to rock bottom, but since you brought up the cliché rock-star bio thing, where rock bottom looks like a heroin addiction, or bankruptcy, or the death of a child, I have to ask: what do you think rock bottom looks like for you?
I mean, here you are, with a good job, a good fiancé, a nice apartment in the suburbs of Boston, a cute little kitty-cat, more than your fair share of good friends, a high-quality education, and opportunity coming out of your ass. You don’t drink except socially. You don’t do drugs. You’re financially secure. And you’re on the road to a happy family life.
“In the course of the comfortable life that [you] live,” what would rock bottom look like?
And, do you think it’s possible for you to make the kind of decisions that hitting rock bottom might force you to make without actually hitting rock bottom? It’s like rock bottom, for you, means that no matter what path you take, things can’t get any worse, right? So while doing something now might be risky, doing it while at rock bottom is devoid of risk, simply for the fact that there’s nowhere left to fall. Doesn’t that, in some respect, seem cowardly?
In other words, if you were to take the risk now, wouldn’t the experience be more harrowing, but at the same time, more adventurous? Wouldn’t that make the experience more valuable too?
And really, what is the risk we’re talking about here? I guess, along with the hundred other questions I just asked, what I really want to know is, what are you afraid of?
What does rock bottom look like?
You hit the nail on the head - I don’t know what my rock bottom would look like - I don’t think it would look like the rock star thing, but that is the most typical version - I don’t think it would look like the broke, destitute, living on food stamps thing either…It appears I’ve got too much education for that…so I guess the real answer is that in the suburban life that most of live within - rock bottom is depression….I know it sounds kind of pathetic…but isnt’ that the true cliche (for people in my surroundings) the housewife / working husband who is so bored and unfullfilled that they slide into an upper middle class depression….that would be (I guess) what my bottom would look like…but knowing myself as well as I hope that I do…I don’t think that will ever happen…so in lieu of that….I’m trying to put myself in that mindset as a way to jumpstart myself.
“And, do you think it’s possible for you to make the kind of decisions that hitting rock bottom might force you to make without actually hitting rock bottom?” - Yes
“It’s like rock bottom, for you, means that no matter what path you take, things can’t get any worse, right?”
- Right
“So while doing something now might be risky, doing it while at rock bottom is devoid of risk, simply for the fact that there’s nowhere left to fall. Doesn’t that, in some respect, seem cowardly?”
- I don’t think so, I think everyone I know is struggling with the paying bills and maintaing a quality of life while also trying to incorporate their passions into their daily lives - some people focus completely on attaining these passions Outside of Work…and are content that their jobs provide them the means to do so…Others (myself included) would like to incorporate these passions into their jobs…but its hard, because there often is no financial quarantees with taking these routes…and at this point in our life, we are accustomed to a lifestyle - you, in particular, are working for a company that you swore you would never again…but the pay is good, its an incredibly flexible job, and they’ve made it just interesting enough, that they’ve got you…and it gives you the flexibility to write and manage this site (on the side) where there is no financialy benefit - if Google called today and offered you 1M bucks for Fluid Imagination -I imagine you quitting your job would be done at a speed only slightly less than that of light.
“In other words, if you were to take the risk now, wouldn’t the experience be more harrowing, but at the same time, more adventurous? ”
- Absolutely, In some ways, I’m trying to gear myself up for taking that more harrowing and adventurous choice…I wish it was something I could just do..and maybe I’m too logical…but I feel like there are all these other factors that I need to consider…and it gets messy…and it needs to be simplified.
“Wouldn’t that make the experience more valuable too?”
- Yes
“And really, what is the risk we’re talking about here?”
- I risk losing out financially, I risk failing and losing the confidence that I have in myself, I risk the resume that I’ve put together (and the gauranteed salary that comes with)
“what I really want to know is, what are you afraid of?”
- I’m afraid of losing “I mean, here you are, with a good job, a good fiancé, a nice apartment in the suburbs of Boston, a cute little kitty-cat, more than your fair share of good friends, a high-quality education, and opportunity coming out of your ass. You don’t drink except socially. You don’t do drugs. You’re financially secure. And you’re on the road to a happy family life”
“What does rock bottom look like? ”
- rock bottom is me never taking the chance, of never fulfilling my expectations, of getting bored, of being bored, of resigning to work as something I do (but don’t care about), of settling.
But couldn’t you always just stop doing whatever it is you decide to do and go back to the way life is now? I don’t think that you’ll be burning any bridges behind you. So, if you’re failing two or three or five years into it, you call it a day and go back to work for someone else.
Really, the only thing you have to lose is the faith that you can do something on your own.
I’m reminded of George McFly, “I don’t think I could handle that kind of rejection.”
Not that I’m in a different boat. But we’re not talking about me :-)
When I was in school for photography, the best work I made was during a period of emotional instability, where I did not care about my physical well-being. I put myself in compromising situations without care, and made my most solid body of work. I have not had that kind of dedication since.
It could be sad in a way, but I am a healthier (more boring) person now.
Actually I have a problem that whenever I read about talented successful people, I usually discriminate by thinking how they must have a wealthy background to support their interests or a family who knew important people. It seems so unusual to find authentic raw success.
My brother told me “You need a vision”
My professors told me “Fantasize what your ideal senario would be, find people doing it, and utilize them as a resource.” and another professor: “You will only get what you settle for”
I know so many people stuggling to find enjoyment in their life’s work. Maybe it is the plague of the middle or upper-middle class, thinking we need certain things we don’t necessarily need. Thinking we need to make a certain amount of money to be happy.
Also, do not trap yourself by thinking you have to pick this life or that life. It is not black and white like that. Find a balance, like small risks that you feel more comfortable with, here and there moving you in a certain direction, a small paycut for a more interesting job or a different experience, or keep your current job while you develop a solid business plan/research etc.
Appreciate what you have now, with the idea that you with evolve. What are your affinities? What are you naturally drawn to besides business? Sports, right? Anything else? Can you merge the two into some career? I don’t know what I am talking about. Anyway, what is brilliant is your search and acknowledgement.
I have to agree with Deb’s sentiments. That’s probably because we live together and have these conversations constantly.
We are always trying to move forward; to learn and experience more. But it IS tough when you have some form of comfortability in life. Adam, I am always re-reading these biographies in massive books I have on painters sculptors and artists. The one thing I find common in most of the stories is a point where they struggled to break through with a new style or had other jobs to help put food on the table. I often wonder what my chronology would read like to someone else…and that thought makes me totally bored.
What I think is super important is the desire to want to hit rock bottom. I think what you want can be achieved mentally, by saying “I’ve fucking had it. I want out”. And then actively pursuing whatever “out” means.
I think that for people in their late twenties who have not achieved some level of success (or had the opportunity to buy a house etc) have to look forward to their thirties for a suitable career (or a fuckin’ jeep and kayaks or sumptin’)…because we will all still have another 30+ years until retirement.
I want a “job” where there is no retirement. Where the job equals life.
Maybe telemarketing?
i want to stab my eyes out… - jab at my ear drums with an ice pick and melt my lips together…
i want to cut my stomach open and fill it with candy and sew it back up and hang myself from a tree wearing a t-shirt that say’s “pinata”…
hey Dave,
ever ready Chuck Pahlianuk?
no…
Do so. He’s the guy who wrote Fight Club. I liked Survivor better, and I think you might too.
Serioulsy, both of your posts could easily have come right from one of his books. I would also recomend “Diary” (I don’t know how to do italics) and “Choke”.
http://www.chuckpalahniuk.net/
Adam, here’s a list of basic HTML formatting. Bookmark it and refer to it when you need to.
Interesting posts Adam. There’s a scene in the movie “American Beauty” where Kevin Spacey’s character holds up a designer throw pillow and yells at his wife, “THIS IS NOT REAL! NONE OF THIS IS REAL!” For me, that line perfectly sums up what I want to avoid in life, and suspect Adam does as well: that upper middle-class lifestyle that has absolutely no meaning to it (and also somehow “feels” distinctly American for some reason…perhaps I’m wrong about that). Anyways Adam, I guess I’m interested in hearing more specifics about what you’re looking for, in order to find meaning in your work. So far, I’ve seen that you want a job where you get to communicate and be creative, correct? So the question is, beyond these criteria, what inspires you? I’d be very curious to know.
on a scale of 1 to supremely egotistical - where does me writing this comment fall, since I’m only writing it to put my column back on the list of the most recently commented.
Well, maybe if you had actually written a new article this week, like you were supposed to, you wouldn’t have to pull these tricks to keep your old articles current.