Two nights ago, we had a little dinner party here at the house. During the conversation, it somehow got mentioned that I don’t eat fruit. Someone asked, “Do you not like each individual fruit or do you have something against the whole category?” I replied that I don’t like each individual fruit.

“What about tomatoes?” someone asked.

“Are tomatoes a fruit?” I said, “I thought they were a vegetable.”

“Nope,” she said, “I’m pretty sure they’re a fruit.”

“Well, if they’re a fruit, then I like fruit. What makes them a fruit?”

“Something to do with the seeds.”

“Peas have seeds,” someone else said, “And corn is a seed.”

“I thought it had to with either growing on the vine or growing in the ground,” I said.

“Peppers grow on a vine. So do tomatoes.”

“Then what’s the difference between fruits and vegetables?” I asked.

Someone said, “I think it might have to do with their structure.”

“That can’t be it,” I said, “They’ve had these categories for a very long time. Probably before microscopes, which is what they would need to figure out the structures.”

“Do you have a dictionary?” someone asked.

“I have the one that comes with Microsoft Word,” I said.

“Then look it up.”

A few moments later, I got the iBook on the table and am booting up Microsoft Word 2004 for Mac. I look up “vegetable” in the included MSN Encarta World Dictionary, and what do I find?

“VEGETABLE” IS NOT INCLUDED IN THE DICTIONARY!!

They’ve got “vegetable ivory,” “vegetable marrow,” “vegetable oil,” and “vegetable wax,” but no “vegetable.” There’s not even enough information in the related words (”vegetarian,” “vegetal,” etc.) to give me the information I’m looking for.

Well, as soon as I was done swearing, I looked up “fruit.” Guess what? Fruit is not in the Microsoft dictionary either. There’s “fruit bat,” “fruit cocktail,” “fruit drop,” “fruit fly,” “fruit salad” (including the slang definition, “the rows of small narrow colorful campaign, service, and combat decorations worn by U.S. military personnel on the left chest area of their uniforms”), “fruit sugar,” “fruit tree,” “fruitage,” “fruitarian” (like a vegetarian), “fruitcake,” etc. But no plain old “fruit.”

They got “meat,” “poultry,” “grain,” and “fish.” They’ve even got “food” (though no “food groups”). Why no “fruits” or “vegetables?” What does Microsoft have against healthy food?

The whole thing just pissed me off. It pissed me off so much that I still haven’t looked up the difference between fruits and vegetables.